all eyes on me...

So much has happened since the last time I logged in, it seems as though I've gone through my own roller coaster ride. My "friend" became my boyfriend which then turned into my fiance. What I thought was great wasn't always so sweet. He's given me my share lies and tears but maybe I'll get into that another day. The one who had once stole my heart left and came back from war but what we once had can never again be, that chapter of chance has closed, he was a second to late or maybe he was the one who dictated my future?... Anyhow, I'm dwelling on a new hump, a hump I can't quite get over.

...haven't written my thoughts down in so long don't know where to start. I'm having a baby. My life has changed very much, and with it I don't know how much I've changed. I just know that lately I feel alone well maybe not alone. I stopped working which was probably the biggest if not the worse mistake I've ever made. I feel limited because of my resources. I was so use to always buying whatever I wanted whenever I wanted that I feel weak. My s to fiance says to ask him if I need money, but to me it's like that's only stating the obvious. Of course I need money I'm unemployed! What unemployed person doesn't need money?!?!

I'm happy I'm having a baby but at the same time it's already changed my life so much. My body has stretch marks that at times I feel so unattractive. That has taken a toll on me because I am so vain and it doesn't help that my fiance doesn't touch me like he use to. I don't know what it is...I don't feel like he desires me and the bigger I get doesn't help. I think it affects me because I always so use to going places and being noticed, being wanted. Now I just feel like my own fiance doesn't even bother kissing, touching, or grabbing me like he use to. It's been about over 2 months since we last had sex and even then I initiated it! I can't remember when my last orgasm was with him. I guess all of this places a toll on my frustration and how I feel overall. I know I'm beautiful but there's a difference between being beautiful and feeling desired. I miss walking into the club and all eyes on me. I miss feeling desired and wanted. Now I know why women cheat...