blink of an eye...

I never thought I would have an onine diary but I guess its one of my last resorts since I can't really write my thoughts down at the moment. So many things have happened to me in the last 2 months, no scratch that three months. I moved, finally found the perfect man, and finally had the one man that stole my heart tell me he wants to be w/ me, and among that so many other things. The main reason I'm here is because a space for myself where I can write and worry that anyone will know who is behind each and every word. I'm lonely, I recently moved to a new city where I don't have any family and I wanted it that way so that I could do things on my own and get away from "my ghosts". Last December, a guy that I was dating died, and it affected me so much a lot more than anyone knows or thinks. I stopped eating, it felt like my world was crubbling down and I often wonder why that was, we weren't together when it happened, he wasn't my soulmate. It hurt like crazy, so the following month I moved I wanted to get away from anything that would remotely remind me of him but not only him but I wanted a fresh start, new job, new apartment, new air, new streets, etc. I found just that; not only was I trying to leave old memories but I wanted to leave behind the man that I knew could never be mine. Close to a year ago I met this guy on a cruise and there was an instant attraction, I started dating him; it was just me and him or at least that's what I thought. One day I found out that he had a girlfriend of 6 years. Our romance stopped and started up again, no strings attached and I was fine with it, afterall I wasn't the one with the entourage. I always said to myself that the moment I had any type of emotion, feelings toward him it would end. Once I moved we saw each other a couple of times, but then one night I went out w/a friend of mine. To my surprise he later became more than just a friend. He was the man I had longed for all this time, the man I had prayed for all this time, the man I saw myself with, but unfortunately by this time I also realized that I had fallen head over heels for the other one. During the time I started seeing my "friend" the other one all of a sudden wanted to make me his "girl" and it just felt like he was too late. What I had been wanting all this time finally came but one second too late. No one knows that I fell for him not even the one my heart longs for at night. I know it will go away one day, I know one day I'll wake up and that feeling will have left, with the help of my blessing I know this feeling will go away. But what do I do until then; worst times are at night when I lay awake and can seem to fall asleep like right now and all I can think about is him. I think it's funny how what one man can't give you over long periods of time another man can give you in what can seem like a blink of an eye.