all eyes on me...

So much has happened since the last time I logged in, it seems as though I've gone through my own roller coaster ride. My "friend" became my boyfriend which then turned into my fiance. What I thought was great wasn't always so sweet. He's given me my share lies and tears but maybe I'll get into that another day. The one who had once stole my heart left and came back from war but what we once had can never again be, that chapter of chance has closed, he was a second to late or maybe he was the one who dictated my future?... Anyhow, I'm dwelling on a new hump, a hump I can't quite get over.

...haven't written my thoughts down in so long don't know where to start. I'm having a baby. My life has changed very much, and with it I don't know how much I've changed. I just know that lately I feel alone well maybe not alone. I stopped working which was probably the biggest if not the worse mistake I've ever made. I feel limited because of my resources. I was so use to always buying whatever I wanted whenever I wanted that I feel weak. My s to fiance says to ask him if I need money, but to me it's like that's only stating the obvious. Of course I need money I'm unemployed! What unemployed person doesn't need money?!?!

I'm happy I'm having a baby but at the same time it's already changed my life so much. My body has stretch marks that at times I feel so unattractive. That has taken a toll on me because I am so vain and it doesn't help that my fiance doesn't touch me like he use to. I don't know what it is...I don't feel like he desires me and the bigger I get doesn't help. I think it affects me because I always so use to going places and being noticed, being wanted. Now I just feel like my own fiance doesn't even bother kissing, touching, or grabbing me like he use to. It's been about over 2 months since we last had sex and even then I initiated it! I can't remember when my last orgasm was with him. I guess all of this places a toll on my frustration and how I feel overall. I know I'm beautiful but there's a difference between being beautiful and feeling desired. I miss walking into the club and all eyes on me. I miss feeling desired and wanted. Now I know why women cheat...

blink of an eye...

I never thought I would have an onine diary but I guess its one of my last resorts since I can't really write my thoughts down at the moment. So many things have happened to me in the last 2 months, no scratch that three months. I moved, finally found the perfect man, and finally had the one man that stole my heart tell me he wants to be w/ me, and among that so many other things. The main reason I'm here is because a space for myself where I can write and worry that anyone will know who is behind each and every word. I'm lonely, I recently moved to a new city where I don't have any family and I wanted it that way so that I could do things on my own and get away from "my ghosts". Last December, a guy that I was dating died, and it affected me so much a lot more than anyone knows or thinks. I stopped eating, it felt like my world was crubbling down and I often wonder why that was, we weren't together when it happened, he wasn't my soulmate. It hurt like crazy, so the following month I moved I wanted to get away from anything that would remotely remind me of him but not only him but I wanted a fresh start, new job, new apartment, new air, new streets, etc. I found just that; not only was I trying to leave old memories but I wanted to leave behind the man that I knew could never be mine. Close to a year ago I met this guy on a cruise and there was an instant attraction, I started dating him; it was just me and him or at least that's what I thought. One day I found out that he had a girlfriend of 6 years. Our romance stopped and started up again, no strings attached and I was fine with it, afterall I wasn't the one with the entourage. I always said to myself that the moment I had any type of emotion, feelings toward him it would end. Once I moved we saw each other a couple of times, but then one night I went out w/a friend of mine. To my surprise he later became more than just a friend. He was the man I had longed for all this time, the man I had prayed for all this time, the man I saw myself with, but unfortunately by this time I also realized that I had fallen head over heels for the other one. During the time I started seeing my "friend" the other one all of a sudden wanted to make me his "girl" and it just felt like he was too late. What I had been wanting all this time finally came but one second too late. No one knows that I fell for him not even the one my heart longs for at night. I know it will go away one day, I know one day I'll wake up and that feeling will have left, with the help of my blessing I know this feeling will go away. But what do I do until then; worst times are at night when I lay awake and can seem to fall asleep like right now and all I can think about is him. I think it's funny how what one man can't give you over long periods of time another man can give you in what can seem like a blink of an eye.